The Bucket List

I just watched the movie, “The Bucket List” with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. You probably know the story….two terminally ill men decide to pursue the list of all that they want to do before they “kick the bucket” or as more delicately put pass on. One is rich, divorced multiple times and estranged from his only daughter. The other is a blue-collar working man who married young and has three grown children and several grandchildren. They are from two different paths in life and probably would not have otherwise met were it not for them sharing a room in the hospital where both were being treated for cancer.

It was a touching story that spoke to me on several levels. As we get older, is it just years of life or do we put life in those years? Are we doing the things that we really want to do or maybe just going through the motions? Are we living life or is it living us? Are we cultivating the relationships that are truly important to us? Are we making a difference? Have we found the joy in our life?

I am pondering on these questions. Just last night during our Christmas Eve family celebration we talked about death. My niece, Britney who recently turned 21 found the concept of death surreal. No one really wants to die so it is disturbing and sometimes hard to conceive. But what if we lived our life in such a way that we would be prepared…be ready when our time comes. The problem is that many of us are waiting to live out our bucket list. When you’re single, you’re waiting to get married. When you’re married, you’re waiting until you “get established.” When you have children, you’re waiting until the kids get grown. When you don’t have enough money, you’re waiting until you make more money. And the list goes on.

I didn’t have a written bucket list but after seeing the movie, I decided to write one. I have tried to do the things and have the experiences that are important to me and to make a difference in some small way for those in which I interact. I love to travel and after dispensing with the “waiting until I get married” thinking decided to go for it when I was in my mid-20's and took my first trip to Cancun, Mexico. I have never regretted it. And although I am now married, I am totally comfortable taking trips on my own. I’ve ridden an ATV and helicopter in Hawaii, driven a boat in the Caribbean, hiked the famous Kalalau trail, zip lined in Kauai and rode a horse on a mountain in New Mexico.

I work on a job that I love and that makes a difference for others. I get the opportunity to work on outside committees related to my work that broaden my horizon and help others in my job industry. I love to learn and have earned a degree, some certifications and am currently working toward my bachelor’s degree.

I have a small family with a loving son, a new daughter-in-law, a fabulous brother and a wonderful niece. We are all close. I also have a devoted husband that is unfortunately incarcerated. My parents have both passed on but I have many splendid memories of them and their legacy lives on through me, my brother and our children.

This Christmas Eve, we had our normal family along with my daughter-in-law’s sister and husband. They are a part of our new family. We also had two of my son’s godchildren whose mother passed earlier this year at age 29. Life can be short or long and it doesn’t depend on any specific number of years. A full life can be lived in 30 years and an unfulfilled life can be lived in 70 years. As we all celebrated I basked in the warmth of family. I asked myself how I feel at this point if I had to go tonight. I would be okay with it. While I still haven’t done everything I have done much more than some people. I hope I still have the normal 30 or so years left. I haven’t been to Europe yet and I haven’t finished my Master’s degree. I haven’t skydived yet which I am saving for my 50th birthday (maybe I shouldn’t wait….smile). But if the Lord called me home at this moment, I believe I can say “job well done.”

My Bucket List

Go to Italy and eat in an outside café at the location of the Godfather filming.
See the Coliseum and Sistine Chapel in Rome.
See the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the Eiffel Tower in France.
Ride a gondola in the real Venice…not the one in Las Vegas.
Go skydiving.
Spend a Christmas in Kauai.
Attend the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade in New York City.
Walk a marathon.
Gamble on the French Rivera.
Hike the Grand Canyon.
Fly in a hot air balloon.
See Mount Rushmore.
See the Empire State Building.
Complete my MBA.
Go whale-watching.
Go on an African safari.
Take a sabbatical.
Make a difference for seniors.
Make a difference for teen and unwed mothers.
Complete a 365 day challenge.

("Bucket List" photograph courtesy of er3465).

17 and Pregnant

Just imagine.....a little over a week ago few had heard of Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska and Republican Vice President nominee. We were introduced to her as a self-described "hockey mom." And now with much interest I have read all of the news that you can't miss about her seventeen year old pregnant unwed daughter. I guess it's big news for someone who is a vice presidential candidate but come on.....this kind of thing has been going on for years! In fact, I am amused as to how much press it has garnered.

As others have said, what does her pregnant daughter have to do with what kind of vice president she will make? Certainly, how she reacts speaks to character and values.......but can you really tie her daughter's decisions to Governor Palin's integrity? I think not. In my mind, it is much wasted news coverage and gives the appearance of high school gossip. It is a shame that his is even considered "news."

What might be more productive is to discuss how we help society at large with assisting unwed mothers to help themselves. How can we provide more education and resources to aid in prevention? And how can we help those who are already pregnant craft a good life for mother and child? These are the conversations that we should be discussing.

I can speak first hand about this subject. I was an unwed mother at seventeen having become pregnant at sixteen. I was fortunate to have two supportive parents and extended family (cousins, aunts, friends) to help me. I went to community college (called junior college in my day) and I obtained my Associates degree. I was blessed to find a job that I am still on 29 years later as a senior officer. Yes, I worked hard but I was also afforded many opportunities. Sadly, my story is more the exception than the norm for an unwed mother. I would like to see more stories like mine be the norm.

Instead of focusing on 17 and pregnant, why not have some dialogue about how to use this situation to inspire change to help other unwed mothers have the support that Governor Palin pledges to her daughter, Bristol?

Barack Achieved "The Dream" Today

Tonight was a historic moment and a particularly sweet victory for African-Americans. Tonight Barack Obama was nominated as the presidential candidate by the Democratic Party. As a once popular commercial said, "We've come a long way baby!" It will be the 45th anniversary on August 28th of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech as Obama makes his acceptance speech. I hope Dr. King is looking down and smiling.

So how does this feel to me as an African-American woman? On one level it seems totally unreal but on another level very logical. Obama has a gift and has been able to rally people regardless of color or creed. With a mixed-race background, life in and out of the U.S. and solid family values he truly can empathize with everyman and everywoman. I think he is intelligent, strategic, articulate, and truly committed to making this country better. He is inspiring, charismatic and makes you want to follow.

What I still want to see or hear now is the nuts and bolts plan of how his administration will achieve the vision. I don't know that I have really heard this solidly. I'm sure tomorrow night will be the beginning of Barack detailing his specific plan to create "Change you can believe in." For now let's bask in history and celebrate Barack Obama!

Crucial Conversations

I am currently reading the book, Crucial Conversations. Reading it and interacting with various members of my family as well as coworkers on the job remind me of the importance of being skilled at dialogue. Now many of you might think, "How hard is it to talk to people?" However, that's just the point. Many of us are not talking to people. We are talking at people or in same cases not talking to avoid conflict. As you can imagine, this causes all kinds of miscommunication, bad feelings, and all around ineffectiveness.


I was intrigued to read Crucial Conversations because I observed conversations that needed to take place in my workplace were not taking place. I also observed the same thing at home. So often when it comes to conversations, we think it's the other person who needs to ante up. We ignore the impact that we can have if we are skilled in how to truly have a dialogue with the other person. This is what crucial conversations are all about.


Already as a result of reading the book, I am listening more and being observant of how I react when conversations are heading down a crucial path. I am also learning that when it comes to these conversations, many times I will have to initiate them. In management, we often say, "I am here and ready to listen.....why don't they just come to me and let me know what they need?" Well, I've learned that that statement is just not reality. Even when a manager is proactive and goes to the troops, effective dialogue still may not happen if they don't feel totally safe. Silence or the courtesy "tell them what they want to hear" is often conveyed and so the crucial conversations do not take place. Life goes on as usual and issues go on unresolved.

Sleep and Rejuvenation on the 4th

I awoke this morning after a deep sleep. I had not realized fully up until that point that my body was truly fatigued. I needed a day off just to catch up on sleep....thank goodness for the holiday. For most of the day I have just simply allowed myself to rest. I have some performance evaluations to finish but decided that my body needed some rejuvenation in order to be at my best in completing them.

It's a sad testament that so many of us work on holidays when we should be taking the day off as intended. Pressing deadlines, work backlogs, and excessive commitments make us feel guilty for taking off on a much deserved off day. The irony is that to truly be productive and ultimately successful we have to take this time. Sometimes when we are in overwhelm mode we just have to STOP! That's sounds somewhat counter intuitive. But believe me it is true and it works. I am wagering that I will do much better over the next few days in completing my remaining performance evaluations.

For now, I am going to enjoy the rest of the July 4th holiday. Happy 4th!

What's a Reasonable Work Week?

I just read a blog on the Wall Street Journal discussing the mandatory 35 hour work week limit in France. Now that's work life balance! Currently there is a bill being drafted by the President to scrap these limits citing that it would increase France's economic growth. As you can imagine, labor unions are in an uproar about it.

While a 35 hour work week may not be optimal for global competitiveness, a 60 hour work week is also just as detrimental. In a survey on the WSJ's Juggle blog, it reflected that 36% working 50 or more hours per week. 34% work 40-50 hours per week. Only 18% work about 40 hours per week. Another piece to this puzzle is taking regular vacations. There is a positive link between risk of death for middle aged men with a risk of heart disease if annual vacations are taken. For women failing to take a similar break from work can yield increased psychological health risks.

I'm proud to say that for the past three years, I have taken a 8 to 10 day vacation annually. Along with this schedule, I take various one-three day breaks and often build in a day or two break with business travel. I travel on business four to five times per year. From a work week perspective, I have some improvement to do here. I normally rack up 45 to 50 hours per week. If you count some of my work at home time it is probably 50-60 hours per week. I'm afraid to count the hours at home!

We've got to get back to a reasonable work week. Personally, my goal is 45 hours. Can a self-proclaimed workaholic make it to this limit?

Reflections on the Death of Tim Russert

Tim Russert, the anchor of "Meet the Press" died yesterday at age 58. The cause was a heart attack after collasping at work. Wow, did that hit home for me. First of all, he is 10 years older than I am so that's not too far away. He apparently was hard working and one of the top professionals in his field.

I read in one article that he had just arrived back from Rome. He had two hours sleep but felt that this would last him until 10 o'clock that night. Instead he collapsed and is dead.....he never made it to 10 o'clock that night. I thought about how many times I have pushed myself, getting one or two hours of sleep and up the next morning ready to go for the day's meeting. I've even bragged about it as a sign of my tenacity.

As a self-proclaimed workaholic, this is a wake-up call for me. All of the success in world can't outweigh a long life. Although we never know precisely when it is our time, we can start to develop better habits that will perhaps prolong our life. I am guilty of pushing myself well beyond reasonable limits for things that are most often related to work. I do that because I am a driven high achiever. I get the sense that this was a similar profile for Tim Russert. It's time to look at things differently.

Derrick's Married!

Derrick is married! And I have a daughter-in-law. How cool is that? The better part of this year has been spent in preparation for the wedding and now it has come and gone. The real part of marriage begins.

My son's entry in his new role lead to thoughts of marriage in general. It is one of the most complex relationships you will ever experience. The blending of two families can be challenging especially if the values are different. Learning to compromise and come to a consensus on activities are things you may have done at will as a single person takes time. And if you perhaps are a workholic.....well, you either will reform or you may not be married too long. Of course if you married a workholic, this may work out to both your advantages!

And what about the adjustment of the parents? In my case, I was a single parent for a long time and Derrick is my only child. He has a protective sense regarding my well-being and I have to be careful not to abuse this as he now has a wife. I don't mind saying that it's hard as I am so accustomed to calling him for various things. However, I'm adjusting.

My goal is to be a good mother-in-law who does not interfere, minds her own business, and is a support system for both my son and new daughter. I wish them all the best and am looking forward to grandbabies!